Sometimes I look at old pictures of myself and I just want to jump right into that same body and human being that I was. Maybe it was the safer way to go but I was so...solid. I see myself a year and a half ago just out having fun, and feeling confident and content and I miss that so much. I wasn't scared or lonely or afraid of breaking down. I had friends and I had a boyfriend but I hadn't lost myself. And I believed in myself so much. Its not that I don't anymore. I just feel really broken sometimes and I'm afraid of not having the strength to pick all of my pieces up. I'm taking actions now to get back to that place but I know it's going to take time. It's so hard when you give so much of yourself away. I never really understood what that meant when people would say it before. But thats how it feels. I gave so much away and became so much more a part of something than I ever meant to. It's not that I regret it, but what do you do when thats not reliable anymore? Yes it's there. But it's not the same, and it's not always welcomed. I want the rest of me back so I can go back to the way I was but I just don't know if thats even possible. I miss not having bruises or scrapes on my heart. I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin. I dont even think I realized at the time how comfortable in my own skin I was, until I learned what it meant to really not be. In some ways I am so thankful for taking this year off because if I had gone straight to Roosevelt, I dont think I would have been happy. I have learned SO much and will appreciate so much when I go back to school in the fall. But other times I really wonder how I'd be feeling if I had the same opportunities or life as all of my friends. 

Is it really true that all good things come to an end?

 I am so stressed about money right now. Why doesn't it grow on trees?

I had an interview with this amazing family yesterday for a nanny job. I hope I get it so badly. They're a pretty young couple, probably 26 or so and their daughter is 18 months and adorable. I'm just getting so anxious not having a steady income yet. 

:( Its times like this that I dont know what I was thinking when I decided to defer. At least in college I wouldn't be so stressed about money. Most of the time I'm happy with my decision. But during days like this, its very clear to me that I don't want to live in the "real world" just yet.

Blah.

 I admit that I am guilty for even going on this website, but this seriously disgusts me

http://www.skinnyvscurvy.com/brooke-hogan/body-type-prefer-jessica-stroup-versus-brooke-hogan.html#comments

How in the world did women get the idea that it is better to look like a bobble head because your body is so skinny beyond its natural form than to look pretty much average in my opinion? I mean I'm not saying that out of every woman in America I would want to look like Brooke but these people are talking about her like she needs gastric bypass. How ridiculous.

 For a long time now, I have been so concerned with knowing all of the answers. I am realizing that I am so scared of change that I end up ruining the present by constantly worrying about the future. I have always been somewhat mature for my age which in some ways can be a blessing but also a big burden at times. I always push myself to think beyond what I really need to be thinking about. I want to grow up so much quicker than I need to and I'm learning to just enjoy where I am in my life right now. I can't control the future. I can only focus on the present, put all of my energy into making it positive, and hope that the future will unfold in a way that will make me happy. This is not an easy revelation for me to have, and now that I have realized it, it still takes a conscious effort on my part to follow through. I tend to think if I want something, there is always some type of action or something I could do that will make that happen. Which can be good. But it can also stifle me. I'm learning, slowly but surely. And I know this is only the beginning. 

 
I am scared of these feelings,
Cause I've been left dead and barely breathing.
You bare your heart and soul just to realize,
all your efforts were just tossed aside.

I want to love you,
and I want to trust you.
Maybe given just a little time,
I will find the strength to make you mine.
Show me how.

From the moment I first saw you,
and felt the warmth streaming from your eyes
that very moment somehow I just knew
I would give my heart one more try
Show me how.

Show me faith, show me love, sent from heaven above
Show me peace, show me truth, show me every part of you.
Its hard to love again 
But I'll start now.
Show me how.

 shit.

 I leave next Thursday! :)

Caitlin isn't going to mope around tonight. I am going out.

Basically all my life is going to be consisting of the next month and a half is working, the gym, and perhaps a few nights at the Turtle Club in between.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everything gets a little harder at nighttime.

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should.

Trev left today. It was so nice to have him here. I missed him.

I miss him now too. Its hard for things to change so drastically so quick, but I know things will be okay. I know that they'll work out in the end, and thats what I have to remember. Meanwhile, movies, the gym, my family, friends, and southern cooking (I know, pretty counteractive with the gym) keep me optimistic.

I rented Smart People earlier. I'll let you know what I think.

Until next time...