You write such pretty words

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 05:24:09 GMT

Sometimes I look at old pictures of myself and I just want to jump right into that same body and human being that I was. Maybe it was the safer way to go but I was so...solid. I see myself a year and a half ago just out having fun, and feeling confident and content and I miss that so much. I wasn't scared or lonely or afraid of breaking down. I had friends and I had a boyfriend but I hadn't lost myself. And I believed in myself so much. Its not that I don't anymore. I just feel really broken sometimes and I'm afraid of not having the strength to pick all of my pieces up. I'm taking actions now to get back to that place but I know it's going to take time. It's so hard when you give so much of yourself away. I never really understood what that meant when people would say it before. But thats how it feels. I gave so much away and became so much more a part of something than I ever meant to. It's not that I regret it, but what do you do when thats not reliable anymore? Yes it's there. But it's not the same, and it's not always welcomed. I want the rest of me back so I can go back to the way I was but I just don't know if thats even possible. I miss not having bruises or scrapes on my heart. I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin. I dont even think I realized at the time how comfortable in my own skin I was, until I learned what it meant to really not be. In some ways I am so thankful for taking this year off because if I had gone straight to Roosevelt, I dont think I would have been happy. I have learned SO much and will appreciate so much when I go back to school in the fall. But other times I really wonder how I'd be feeling if I had the same opportunities or life as all of my friends.

Is it really true that all good things come to an end?

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 20:09:14 GMT

I am so stressed about money right now. Why doesn't it grow on trees?

I had an interview with this amazing family yesterday for a nanny job. I hope I get it so badly. They're a pretty young couple, probably 26 or so and their daughter is 18 months and adorable. I'm just getting so anxious not having a steady income yet.

:( Its times like this that I dont know what I was thinking when I decided to defer. At least in college I wouldn't be so stressed about money. Most of the time I'm happy with my decision. But during days like this, its very clear to me that I don't want to live in the "real world" just yet.

Blah.

Seriously?

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 22:28:48 GMT

I admit that I am guilty for even going on this website, but this seriously disgusts me

http://www.skinnyvscurvy.com/brooke-hogan/body-type-prefer-jessica-stroup-versus-brooke-hogan.html#comments

How in the world did women get the idea that it is better to look like a bobble head because your body is so skinny beyond its natural form than to look pretty much average in my opinion? I mean I'm not saying that out of every woman in America I would want to look like Brooke but these people are talking about her like she needs gastric bypass. How ridiculous.

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 06:00:22 GMT

For a long time now, I have been so concerned with knowing all of the answers. I am realizing that I am so scared of change that I end up ruining the present by constantly worrying about the future. I have always been somewhat mature for my age which in some ways can be a blessing but also a big burden at times. I always push myself to think beyond what I really need to be thinking about. I want to grow up so much quicker than I need to and I'm learning to just enjoy where I am in my life right now. I can't control the future. I can only focus on the present, put all of my energy into making it positive, and hope that the future will unfold in a way that will make me happy. This is not an easy revelation for me to have, and now that I have realized it, it still takes a conscious effort on my part to follow through. I tend to think if I want something, there is always some type of action or something I could do that will make that happen. Which can be good. But it can also stifle me. I'm learning, slowly but surely. And I know this is only the beginning.

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 06:26:59 GMT

I am scared of these feelings,
Cause I've been left dead and barely breathing.
You bare your heart and soul just to realize,
all your efforts were just tossed aside.

I want to love you,
and I want to trust you.
Maybe given just a little time,
I will find the strength to make you mine.
Show me how.

From the moment I first saw you,
and felt the warmth streaming from your eyes
that very moment somehow I just knew
I would give my heart one more try
Show me how.

Show me faith, show me love, sent from heaven above
Show me peace, show me truth, show me every part of you.
Its hard to love again
But I'll start now.
Show me how.

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 20:25:55 GMT

shit.

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 23:36:40 GMT

I leave next Thursday! :)

No sirry

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 18:27:25 GMT

Caitlin isn't going to mope around tonight. I am going out.

Where I stood.

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 01:57:45 GMT

Basically all my life is going to be consisting of the next month and a half is working, the gym, and perhaps a few nights at the Turtle Club in between.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everything gets a little harder at nighttime.

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should.

Better in time.

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 23:21:31 GMT

Trev left today. It was so nice to have him here. I missed him.

I miss him now too. Its hard for things to change so drastically so quick, but I know things will be okay. I know that they'll work out in the end, and thats what I have to remember. Meanwhile, movies, the gym, my family, friends, and southern cooking (I know, pretty counteractive with the gym) keep me optimistic.

I rented Smart People earlier. I'll let you know what I think.

Until next time...

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 16:53:24 GMT

I've decided to start updating this journal again, after neglecting it for so long. So stay tuned!

I keep telling myself theres more to me than you.

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 13:37:28 GMT

"How far do I have to go to make you understand,
I wanna make this work so much it hurts
But I just can't keep on giving
and go on living with the way things are.
So I'm gonna walk away,
and its up to you to say how far."

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 22:36:17 GMT

"I like the way you used to hold me
I like the way you came to know me
You came to know me well
Well, well.

Fallin' to sleep
Wearin' your shirt
'Cause it smelled so sweet
Who could forget
I always liked that best

Or, losin' my heart
Everytime you sang to me
On your guitiar
Lady in red

I always liked that best."

I hate to think that could be me one day.

It's a good song anyway. You should listen to it. It's country, you may not feel the same about it as I do.

Bubbly

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 22:16:49 GMT

"I've been awake for a while now
you've got me feelin like a child now
cause every time i see your bubbly face
i get the tingles in a silly place

It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

The rain is fallin on my window pane
but we are hidin in a safer place
under the covers stayin dry and warm
you give me feelins that i adore

It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go"

This song just warms my heart right up. I used to listen to this every morning when I would get ready for class in LA. And no matter what my previous mood was it would put a smile on my face. I was looking at pictures from California yesterday and i really really missed it. I love the weather there. I miss Botherini. =(.

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 10:47:43 GMT

Today, for the first time, I feel homesick. Not in the way that i NEED to be home, but I would just really love to be right now.

I really.really.really. miss Trevor. I'm sad. I know how much I'm going to miss California and AADA and all of my new friends once I'm gone. But right now, I just want to be back home with my old friends. and my mama. and my sister. and trevor. I could use a hug.

I only think of you, and its breaking my heart.

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 08:01:01 GMT

I. miss. Trevor. Timson.

Im having so much fun here, and I love my classes. But I'm feeling a certain way that I can't even put into words.

A part of me never wants to go home. But I also just want to be back home with my betherini and my sister and my friends and my school and my boyfriend and memorizing lines for Rimers.

But honestly. Living here has been amazing. It has taught me so much even just in the short time I've been here so far. Its strange feeling familiar with a place that I barely knew a month ago.
I need to go to sleep. Its 1 in the morning and I have to wake up at 8:30 to finish all of my work and go to Ihop. haha. geez louise.

I love trevor.

that is all.

Young girl, don't cry.

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 18:25:56 GMT

I had my first day of classes yesterday. I like my teachers and classmates alot. Everybody seems really nice and has a lot of personality. I'm sure it will get better but by yesterday I feel like the beginning of my time is going to take a lot of relearning things I already know. But its from a different perspective so its a good thing. Plus, i need to be able to look like an idiot in front of people that aren't just in my ensemble back home.

It's strange though, yesterday I felt so sure and good about everything as I was walking back to Jamie's car with her and our classmates. I'm feeling a bit more anxious now. I'm definetely glad that I'm here, and I actually like Los Angeles a lot more this time around than before. But there is still definetely a part of me that wishes I was back home where everything is familiar and easy. I can't wait until Trevor gets here. I feel like that may be a bigger part of the problem than I want to admit. It's our 8 month anniversary today.

leave something yall.

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 23:02:19 GMT

I just ate 2 cookies and I wish I hadn't because i JUST got back from the gym. way to go, caitlin.

I'll cook a healthy dinner tonight.

I start class tomorrow! I am so excited. I love my apartment. I feel really safe, and there are so many other people my age here, so its a really cool atmosphere. The weather here is so amazing. Everyday is so sunny. Getting around without a car really sucks though. The cab drivers take the extra long way just to make the cab fare more expensive and its getting a little difficult to afford.

I bought red vines. I miss trevor =(.

ATTENTION!

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 19:52:26 GMT

A sleepover at Hannahs house needs to be planned ASAP due to the departure of many of us for summer programs. Tolly leaves at the end of this month, and I leave July 5th. So lets get on it shall we? Hannah Carney, that means you :). Leave a comment with a day that would be good for you and your madre!!

I'll grab the wheel and I'll point it west, pack the good and leave the rest.

Thu, 31 May 2007 00:41:36 GMT

Blahh.
Exams are stressful. I want to do well. But my motivation is at 0. I just want to be in college already. I have such a hard time STAYING where I'm at. I always get focused on something and then I feel like I have to be there or get there right now even if its far away. I've just been afraid lately that I don't have what it takes to be successful. No matter what it is. I've never felt so unsure about it before. I always had the attitude that whatever happens was meant to happen, and things will work out the way they are supposed to and I'll be happy. But now, I'm scared that I won't get where I want to in life. I feel like I thought I was somewhere that I'm not. I don't feel like my teachers understand how important acting is to me. And the truth is, I could try alot harder when it came to observations and journals and plays of the month. I slacked so much this quarter. But its because I'm so ready to just...work. I want to work. And I know thats stupid because by not focusing on what I'm doing now, I'm just shooting myself in the foot. But it's hard. And now its the end of the year, and I feel like I didn't make the most of it. I don't feel like I've done as much as I could have. I hope that this summer will help me and give me new perspective and motivation. I hope that I learn alot. With acting and just with life in general. I hope that I come back with so many good lessons and motivation and reason to kick senior years ass. And I hope, that I do well with whatever I am cast as in the fall production. I have definete roles that I want to play. But I hope that no matter what happens, I come away from the show feeling like I did everything I could to make it successful and have an impact on the audience.

Aside from that, I'm struggling with balance. Pleasee help me figure out how to balance everything and everyone.

"It's not that I don't wanna share my life with you,baby.
It's just that I'm the one I need to be true to, baby.
And I won't give up me to be part of you.
It's not that I dont wanna have you in my life, baby.
It's just you gotta know that it's got to be right, baby,
Before I open up my heart to you.
I don't need somebody to complete me,
I complete myself.
Nobodys got to belong to somebody else.
I belong to me.
I dont belong to you.
My heart is my posession.
I'll be my own reflection.
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two,
and if you're gonna love me,
then you should know this baby.
I belong to me."

There are a lot of "babys" in that song, and its sung by Jessica Simpson, so hate me if you must, but I like the lyrics.

I miss my sister :(.

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 21:41:05 GMT

I want summer to be here. now.

I cannnt wait to be at American Academy. blahahahha.

When you say love is a simple, chemical reaction, I can't say I agree.

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 03:59:03 GMT

We are going back to school tomorrow. I need to go to sleep. Its 11:30 and I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. But I still can't fall asleep.

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 23:00:43 GMT

there is so much i want to dooo.

i wish spring break wasnt over. i had so much fun in north carolina. and it was so nice not to work or go to school and just relax for a second.

but tomorrow is monday. reality check.
blahhh.
I'm actually considering other majors for college now besides acting. Only because alot of schools with really good programs in california dont allow you to audition while your there. So i'd rather be learning something else that I am interested in while im auditioning. There is too much that I want to do and not enough of a lifetime. I feel like I need at least 3 more to be content.

I hope I get into college.
I hope I lose 20 pounds one day.
and I can't wait to graduate.
all of this looking at colleges and this and that is just making me live in the future and I want to ignore the present.

People who took pictures at NC ( namely sophia) should post pictures :).
I would post mine but I'm stupid and having technical difficulties.

I wonder if truly you are nearly as beautiful as I believe.

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 23:06:49 GMT

The past is strapped to our backs. We do not have to see it; we can always feel it. ~Mignon McLaughlin

hello, April.

what happened since then could happen again.

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 18:07:36 GMT

Why hello there.

It's been a little bit, I apologize. I desperately want to post some pictures but I have to leave in a few minutes for trevors house.

I misss alot of things.

I miss: (not necessarily in this order)

-Devon and Robin and Stacie and Micah. My catonsville crew. I saw a picture of Devon and Robs and Stace on facebook and it made me want to cry because I'm not really a part of that group anymore. Not that we aren't all wonderful friends, because we are, but we're so seperated now and it breaks my heart because I really miss being a part of that group. I hope we can all hang out soon.

-Sleepovers with Stacie and Emily. I miss SO much our ridiculous talks and junk food that last until the wee hours, and I hope that we can have the same kind of fun we used to even if we haven't seen each other in forever.

-Betherini. I miss living next door to her and our pathetic bicycle rides that only lasted for about a week and our crazy food concotions that sometimes we had to convince ourselves to like. I miss it so much. And going to dinner and a movie, even though at the time we always complained about how thats all we ever did and we needed to spice things up ( i know, we are married.), i miss it.

-BSA crew actually HANGING OUT. I misss hanging out on the weekends and spring break and kylie and s club 7 and hannahs house and us actually acting like friends, instead of just talking in the hallways. This is for all of you, I miss it, and we are going to stop this ridiculous trend of not hanging out that we have perfected this year.

-Fake Food. I miss making fake food with lilster and chels. I miss getting muddy and disgusting and not caring because velvet leaves were available and thats all we really needed.

-TEXAS. I miss home so much. I miss my aunt judy and I miss my mom the way she is when shes down there with all of her old friends. I miss my dad. I miss my brianna nana, and I miss Jodi. and whitney. and jess. and my crazy grandmother and my not so crazy grandmother. I just misss it.

-Trevor. But I'm seeing him in about 30 minutes.

I could probably go on and on, but I'll stop now.

If you are reading this and I mentioned you in the above, lets please do something about this so I can stop missing you and start hanging out with you. Gracias.